The Beauty of Being (Understood)

infj

I know I’ve been writing a lot of personal introspection posts recently. Bear with me – I’m turning some corners and making some incredibly exciting discoveries about myself and my life. I love to share.

Let me preface this post by saying that I am the single. most. awkward. person. I. know. It’s bad. Sometimes it’s worse than other times. When I meet someone new, I’m usually intelligent (coherent), charming (quirky), and engaging (spastic.) Okay. But as a rule, people are usually okay with me  – or if they aren’t, they pity me enough to not let on. Then we get to know each other a little better, and things begin to go downhill. My mouth begins to say things my brain has not pre-approved. I become a little too opinionated. I ask personal questions. It’s during this stage that I discover whether or not I can truly be friends with this new person. People who can’t hack it jump ship around this time. It’s okay. No grudges here. I get it. The keepers hang on for dear life, and make it through the awkward phase. Well, I never outgrow the awkwardness, but as they get to know me, they can filter the things I say and do a little better.

As embarrassing as that is, being alone is even worse. As a rule, I try not to venture out in public by myself. When I’m in my home, I can walk around on my toes all day without falling over. I can balance a book on my head and never, ever let it fall. I can toss candies or popcorn into the air and catch every single one in my mouth. I’m (clearly) a graceful marvel. And if I’m out with someone else, I’m usually okay. But alone in public, I lose all adult motor functions. I stammer for no reason. I run into things that aren’t moving. I spill drinks on myself. In the last 10 minutes I have been eating chips in this particular coffee house, I have missed my mouth three times. Three. Three times I have attempted to bite into a chip and it has fallen into my lap. Someone approached me a moment ago to ask if I would sign a document as a witness. They made this request right as I stuck a chip into my mouth. Instead of biting into it and swallowing, I pulled it back out of my mouth, saliva and all.  I am a horror in public by myself.

And every time I interact with someone new, I get the near-uncontrollable urge to say “most people don’t get me right away. Please don’t give up on me too early.” When I’m in the zone, focused on a problem, I come across as aloof and unsociable. I can’t think and walk at the same time. I’m an early adopter and a natural crusader, leading people to believe that everything I campaign for is just a phase I’m going through.

And I’ve never quite been able to accurately articulate any of that before now.

I took the Myers-Briggs personality type test. My result: INFJ. Introverted intuitive, extroverted feeler, judging. And the explanatory paragraph literally sums up my existence. I feel like I want to print it out and just hand it to people when we first meet. More than anything though, I felt so relieved. I feel like, while it doesn’t make me any different, having someone else explain why I am the way I am is so freeing. I feel like just having someone else say it makes it more acceptable. It’s so nice to be understood.

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4 thoughts on “The Beauty of Being (Understood)

  1. Well, i must say you are unique and I’ve never quite heard or met anyone like you. Great that you know yourself so well though as many people don’t. Just be happy you are who you are and if you want to make changes to them little by little… great post!

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